DYING TO BE BORN
Big Boy Bowman, was a low level gangster in Cleveland Ohio, who’s only aspiration was to be a mid level gangster. He was your classic, ‘all blow and no go’ kinda guy. His victims were old enough, usually being shaken down for social security money and were easier to intimidate than a younger man with a wallet. One would think he would’ve been an easy pinch for the local gendarmes because he bragged about every crime he ever committed. The problem was Big Boy also claimed credit for any crime containing a degree of notoriety. As he had not been born yet, his claim of being in the ‘grassy knoll’ was not addressed.
On the 4th of the month, Big Boy was making house calls to collect the social security payments his ‘clients’ had received on the 3rd. At one home, he came upon an eighty-seven year old man who had just found he had cancer. The poor gentleman’s Dr. advised him not to make any appointments more than sixty days out. The old fella invited ‘the collector’ into his home. “Big Boy, ya may mean the world to your mother but you're a pain in the ass to me.” As an exclamation point of sorts, he put two bullets in Big Boy’s forehead. He phoned the Cleveland Dept. of Sanitation and reported he had, “garbage to go.” He was subsequently treated with ‘kid gloves’ by the legal system for his remaining forty seven days with us.
This is where the story gets interesting. Big Boy was staring at the bright white light he was supposed to go towards, so he did. Poor sucker had to die before he’d follow directions. Well, when Big Boy completed his trek, he was a babbling baby girl. Seemingly all at once somebody cut off a cord he thought was attached to a parachute and smacked his ass a good one. Excuse me, being a baby girl I should probably say her little bottom.
Apparently, this is how it works:when one dies they are transferred to traverse the ‘uterine mile’ and be born again, to someone somewhere. This road trip though, had some bumps. Big Boy or Penelope, follow me here, were conscious of Big Boy’s experience. Big Boy was horrified to look down to find his manhood conspicuously absent. He was however ecstatic when he found what feeding time entailed. However, the adage, “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,” applies.
For a day or so Big Boy failed at discerning the situation and yielded to Penelope, with her having no memory of it. Fast forward twelve years and Penelope is in the principal’s office explaining why she thought she was entitled to her peer’s lunch money in lieu of being ‘roughed up.’