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Things You See

“Oh, he did his business,”  “my goodness, she left her calling card.”  Absolutely darling euphemisms for, someone’s dog taking a dump in your yard.  Some homeowners are mildly irritated, some irate and threaten legal and/or lethal retaliation, the next time your mutt comes near their lawn.    A severe suggestion, you may be collateral damage, sometimes accompanies their sneer, for good measure. There of course, are those who would continue to drink their beer and applaud from the porch, if Ellie the elephant took  ten minutes of ‘business’ on their lawn. Sticking a flag in the pile of dung and posting it for sale on facebook. BYOB, or bring your own bucket.


The ‘handlers’ are of course  the guilty ones. They have a wide range of strategies to employ.  Some are newbies to the craft and others, masters. I’m speaking of the neighborhood, where seldom, man’s best friend can be trusted to eliminate his bowels in his own yard.   The type of violators, vary:


THE OBLIVIOUS          Holding the leash, she surveys the neighborhood,while her poodle Pinkie defecates in a yard, not her own.  If this attracts spectators, she pretends to receive an urgent call, still looking away from the obviously overfed dog.  If confronted by the person living there, she is aghast and scolds the dog while pulling it away, all the time shaking a berating finger at it.


THE PLANNER               He knows his neighbor’s schedules and trains his dog to use specific yards, as a rest area.  Drop by a woman’s abode, who jilted him twenty-five years ago in high school and on the way home, we’ll swing by the mayor’s to let him know what we think of his millages.


THE DECEIVER               This individual, not only carries but flaunts a plastic bag, ostensibly to collect LeRoy’s excrement.  Has carried the same, unused receptacle for three years, whilst fostering approving smiles from all.


THE CHOKER                Perhaps the more dimwitted of the walkers, he and his dog look equally perplexed.  Each appearing to be trying to pass roofing nails. She, squatted on the lawn panting and struggling, he, grunting with eyes darting in either direction.  At any sign of detection, he drags Foofie to the next yard with her skootching her behind on the paved driveway.


THE BULLY                   Wears his ‘wife beater’ undershirt until after christmas and dares anyone to take exception to his 150 lb pitbull, covering their flower bed with, God knows what or who he ate.


THE RIGHTEOUS                     Does everything according to Hoyle.  Not only does this person                   

WALKER                            neatly dispose of their pet’s droppings in their ever ready plastic bag, but will deposit other feces as they find appropriate.  This model of sportsmanship and good neighborhood cooperation is shunned by all other dog walkers and dismissed as a troublemaker.


As noted, responses to these fecal trespassers is as varied as the breed of dog.  Instinctively, we avoid the gruff porch dwellers and boisterous people who shout people and animals alike, off their lawns.  Obvious and worthy adversaries indeed but the one to beware of, is hiding in plain sight. That kind, elderly woman who smiles and waves at each passerby is indeed a gentle soul and a generous one too.  However, she raised five kids and did well at it, while gentle she is not to be trifled with. If she feels her good nature is being taken advantage of, she will put her foot so far up your ass, you’ll think it’s shoe store.  Happy Walking?

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